|
|
|
|
and then it hit me... JOURNEY TO THE PAST Heart, don't fail me now!Courage, don't desert me!Don't turn back Now that we're here People always sayLife is full of choicesNo one ever mentions fear! Or how a road can seem so longHow the world can seem so vastCourage see me throughHeart I'm trusting youOn this journey...to the past Somewhere down this roadI know someone's waitinggYears of dreamsJust can't be wrong Arms will open wideI'll be safe and wantedFin'lly home where I belongWell, starting here, my life beginsStarting now, I'm learning fastCourage see me throughHeart I'm trusting youOn this journey...to the past Heart don't fail me now!Courage don't desert me! Home, Love, FamilyThere was once a timeI must have had them tooHome, Love, FamilyI will never be completeUntil I find you... One step at a timeOne hope, then anotherWho knows whereThis road may go-Back to who i wasOn to find my futureThings my heartstillNeeds to know Yes, let this be a sign!Let, this road be mine!Let it lead me to my pastCourage see me throughHeart I'm trusting youTo bring me home...At last!At Last! edit- Ang hirap palang dumaan sa isang bahagi ng buhay mo kung saan nagiging clueless ka sa mga bagay bagay. I've never felt so lost in my life until now.
Sa dami ng bumabagabag sayo, dadating yung point na kahit gusto mong mag-isip mas pipiliin mong wag nalang. Tutunganga ka sa kawalan, listen to some feel good music pero wala ka naman talagang naririnig. Dadapa ka kama, titihaya ulit , tititigan ang kisame at paulit ulit mo yang gagawin.
Alam niyo yung feeling na ang dami mong dapat gawin pero when you try to think about it, mapapasabi ka nalang , ano nga ba talaga ang gagawin ko? Malilito ka na naman. Mawawala sa sarili, magmumukmok sa isang tabi, kukuha ng papel at lapis trying to do sketches or just write anything para gumaan ang kung ano mang saloobin mong di mo alam kung ano. Lilipas ang ilang segundo, nakakatitig ka na naman sa isang blangkong bagay, wala kang naisip iguhit o isulat man lang.
Hayy, i totally hate this feeling. Yung sobrang helpless ka tapos wala ka pang makapitan o kahit masandalan man lng. Nakakapanghina. Kaya kahit gusto mong magpakatatag at magpakatapang you'll choose to pretend nalang, magpakaplastik ika nga. Magkunwaring masaya, makitawa sa mga jokes na di mo naman nagets just so you let yourself know and feel na ok ka lng. Normal lang yan.
Ang weird talaga. Ang hirap. Bakit? Dahil sarili mo ang kalaban mo. Di mo alam kung san ka lulugar. Napapahinto ka. Pipikit, didilat ulit at mapapaisip. Ano nga ulit ang iniisip mo? Di mo rin alam. I feel like there's this huge hole inside me. I feel so empty, more like unwhole i think. Makakatulog ka sa kakaisip at di sigurado sa darating na bukas. Kung kalituhan at kaweirdohan na naman ba ang bubulaga sayo o ang isang panibagong bukas na magbibigay sayo ng pag-asa. *sighs*
Monday, March 27, 2006
maraming salamat ulet sa inyo.
edit---
BOMB # 1
Ilang araw ko nang sinusubukang gumawa ng entry pero sadyang di ko matapos tapos at bigla nalang akong napapahinto sa kawalan ng masabi. Therefore, nawawala na ako sa aking sarili. This soon to be shrink needs one for herself.
BOMB # 2
Sadyang bumabalik na naman ang aking pagiging makakalimutin sa ibang bagay. SABADO --- may lakad ako dapat with my friends, usapan namen mgvivideoke sa SM at mag uusap kung kelang ang next sched ng movie marathon day namen. Badtrip. Pati ba naman yun nakalimutan ko? Eh importanteng lakad yun para saken eh. Alam niyo ba kung ano ang ginawa ko? Nagnet ng magdamag. Hayy..*pokes herself*.*ouch*. MALALA NA TALAGA AKO.
BOMB # 3
Ahh..ehh..nakalimutan ko na naman sasabihin ko!!...wahhhh....*pokes herself again*
Grabeh. Ang gulo ko eh noh? Di ko pa kasi nareresolve lahat ng problema ko. Minsan nga parang di ko na alam kung ano yung problema ko kasi sobrang dami at di ko alam kung ano ang uunahin. Pasensya na talaga kayo. Di ko na kayo masyadong nadadalaw di gaya ng dati na halos araw araw talaga. Salamat nga pala kina ate VAL at ate ROSE sa mga cute gifts nila saken. Maraming salamat din dun sa mga ngcomment sa last post ko at kay twinnie ZIA at kay partner MIMI ng PINAYTALK sa mga fansigns na ginawa nila. LMAO. Parang ewan ako nito, pero twas so sweet of you. tata!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
and im out of words... I wanna say sorry to all of you and thanks sa lahat ng comments sa last post. Sorry na rin if i kept you waiting, pero wala pa rin akong ganang magkwento. Maraming nangyayari saken ngayon na di ko maintindihan kung bakit. Karamihan ay di kanais nais kaya kelangan ko muna ng time para magmuni-muni dahil medyo nawiwindang pa at kelangan ng alugin ng utak ko. Pero promise talaga, pag ok na ang lahat maraming marami akong kwento sa inyo. Kung gusto nyo man akong makausap nasa PINAYTALK lang naman ako. Lagi ako dun kasi kelangan ko ng makakausap. Ganyan ako kaproblemado ngayon. Buti nalang at masasaya ang moodiee ng mga tao dun. Wala tuloy araw na di ako napapangisi at kung minsan nakakalimutan ko ang mga problems ko. Salamat sa inyo.
Monday, March 13, 2006
I have seriously gone mad. lmao. I guess i was forcing myself too much. I used to love writing poems but after "we" broke up, di na ulit ako ngsulat. It just stopped. I don't know, maybe i was just plainly stupid to believe that he was the only thing i could write about or love was the only theme there is. What do you think? Am i just stupid? Or turning to be one? Or just plain miserable? Oh well, whatever the hell happened, i hope i could come up with even silly, simple or i-was-just-trying-to-be-poetic rhymes coz i need it so badly for a project. Hayy, anyone wanna help this poor soul? Send your poems to gorjuzghurl@gmail.com . LOL. Nah, i was just joking. But i do accept fansigns. Lmao.MY LESBO LOVERPabitin muna. I'll tell you all about her next time. haha.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Ok na ba? yay! Sorry guys, tinatamad talaga akong mag-update kaya edit nalang ako ng edit. Kasi naman inaayos ko pa tong blog kong sobrang gulo. LMAO. I'm using the layout i bought from IRISH. Akala ko nga matagal bago ko magagamit ang layout na to, kasi naman, nahold-up nga ako di ba? eh, alang money. Buti nalang sumweldo ulet ako! lol. Yung bigay nga sana ni CAMZ ang gagamitin ko, kaya lang di ko pa nagawan ng banner. huhuhu. Kaya eto na muna! Pero ang ganda niya di ba? The best talaga si IRISH! Maraming salamat sis. This was more than what i expected. Yay!. Pa girl muna ako ngeon!.lol. tata!-edit-Lmao. I was about to change my layout na sana, the one i bought from IRISH kaya lang bigla nalang akong nabadtrip. LOL. Can't tell you the reasons though. Baka bukas ko na siya mapapalitan. Yung haloscan lang ata ang napalitan ko. May banner na siya sa taas, if you've seen the banner ganyan rin ang theme ng next layout ko. Girlish colors ang i love it so much! Yung bigay naman ni CAMZ sa next ko na siguro magagamit. Kasi gusto ko munang magtry na mag iba ng theme ng layout. Pero i love black and white most talaga. Kaya baka isa sa magtatagal na layout ko yun. LMAO. Pero maganda talaga yung ginawa ni IRISH, ganda ng pagkablend ng colors at ng pics na ginamit. Basta. Watch out for it tomorrow nalang. tata!- edit -
Cute diba? THANKS A LOT SIS!-edit-RANDOM STUFFS...First off, i wanna say thanks to CAMZ. She made me an awesome new Ashlee Simpson layout which i love so dearly! Yay! The colors are fab! I'm definitely diggin it! And i suppose im gonna use it for eons. LMAO. I wanna show you the screenshot pero wag nalang muna. Antayin nyo nalang until gamitin ko siya. Soon.Next up, I am so into PINAYTALK right now. I love the people there. It's super fun chatting with them!lol. Everyone's so friendly, the environment is great. So, be one of us ayt? And you'll have super cool online buds.AND HE GOES AW..AW..I thought he's gonna be TAMBOK all his life. Good thing my mom changed his name already. HAMTARO a.k.a. HAMHAM. It's from that early kiddie show my mom watches and i guess she's just so fond with the character.lol. Such a cutie i'd say. And im talking about a pup, not a hamster alright? I meant, our HAMHAM is a pup.lolAND SO IT ENDS...We talked already. Ako at si Chad. I feel so bad for not giving him a chance. I honestly don't wanna hurt him. I never ever imagined he'd get teary eyed when id spill the word "NO" to him. I just saw pain. Pure pain, that i almost cried and tell him i was just joking and then we could be together. I feel so guilty coz he said he was waiting for "us" to happen, pero binigo ko siya. I just don't wan't to be unfair. Im still full of uncertainties right now. Ang dami ko pang hang-ups sa buhay. There's like times that i don't even wanna decide just so i feel safe, secured. My life is badly broken, hardly any piece is left. Im still trying to get them all back and just be me again or someone anew but whole. Masayahing tao naman ako eh. Im just unsure if im really happy or just trying to be one. Which is which? Kahit ako sa sarili ko,minsan hindi ko na alam. Nalilito na ba kayo sa mga pinagsasasabi ko dito? lol. Ganyan ako kagulo at ang buhay ko ngayon. Ayoko munang mandamay ng iba. Gusto kong gawin to' all by myself and for myself na rin. Mahal mo ako? Maraming maraming salamat sayo. I know i am not worthy of it coz i can't even give it back to you, but im honestly so thankful. Alam ko, i might regret this in the future pero sabi nga ni Miss Vanessa, you're a star, shine someplace else, not in a dark cloud like me. Take care Chad and thanks for the hug. lol. And for the record, you've got a nice manly scent. The best i've smelled so far, way way better than Steve's. LMAO. [ Kung mabasa mo man to, dahil alam mo na rin naman ang blog ko, you must understand i tried Chad, I really did. ]
Monday, March 06, 2006
March 6, 20051:45 AMsofa/nood ng tv while writingJack, [wag na magtanong kung baket jack ang tawag ko sa diary ko. secret ito.]Badtrip. Sobrang kabadtripan na naman. Katatapos ko lang kumain ng very very late dinner that could only pass for a late "midnight" snack too. Alam mo kung anong nakakainis? Gustong gusto kong kumain ng hard boiled egg kaya nagluto ako, excited pa. Ang nangyari after 20 minutes of waiting in vain --- wala akong nakain kasi nung biniak ko na yung shell di pa pala luto. Grrr. Buti sana kung di ako gutom! eh gutom na gutom ako eh. Kainis talaga. Sa susunod di na talaga ako magluluto nun! Hayyy...wait, excuse muna..may kumakatok eh.Eto na uli ako. Si ate Love pala yun, late na rin umuwi dahil pumunta pa sa isang kaibigang namatayan ng tatay. RIP. Naalala mo ba nung namatay si CUZIN?[secret lang din ang name, wag nalang natin isulat dito sa blog.] Ngayon naaalala ko ulit. Sana ok na siya kung asan man siya ngayon di ba Jack? Mabait naman yun eh, i could say the world really lost someone there when he died. Sayang siya, sobra. Ang bata pa niya eh[14], marami pa siyang dapat malaman at madiskubre pero di na siya nabigyan ng chance. Pero masaya ako at naging pinsan ko siya at masaya na ako para sa kanya ngayon, kesa maghirap pa siya kung andito man siya. Di ba Jack?Bigla ko lang din naalala, dahil sinabi saken ni ate Love. Nung huminto kasi yung jeep dun sa JY kanina, may napansin akong mga kandila dun sa pathway, may flowers din at may cross. Ang unang naisip ko, baka may pinatay na naman ang mga VIGILANTES. Tama nga talaga ako. Sabi ni ate, negosyante at druglord daw.tsk. Kahit naman mga big time criminals yung pinapatay nila, that doesn't make them heroes at all. The end doesn't justify the means. Ano sa tingin mo? Wait muna, kuha lang me tubig, nauuhaw ako eh. :]What the? See the show?[sa DIYOS AT BAYAN ang name ng show] Ito pang isang nakakainis Jack. Andito na naman po kami. State of emergency na naman ang pinag-uusapan. Walang katapusan. Ang dami pang problema ng Pilipinas pero ito pa rin ang pinagtutuunan nila ng pansin. Bangayan na naman. The people in position are full of craps and im seriously so full of watching the same news over and over again. Gloria is just pure sh*tness and a selfish lying biatch. Poor phils. Badtrip rin itong si Gloria. Hayyy...Ang daming nakakainis sa araw na ito Jack. Pansin mo ba?...hehe..Pasensiya na. Kanina naman, i was hoping magkakausap na kami ni "CHAD" [pinalitan ko yung name dito sa blog pero sa diary ko real name nakalagay, ewan nalang kung mabasa nya.lol] , pero hinde pa rin. Sabi ni Abby, nagkasalisi lang daw kami. Pumunta daw siya sa shop kaya lang di pa ako dumating. Hayyy...isa pa tong taong to, di ko pa alam ang gagawin ko sa kanya. Siguro kung noon pa siya dumating, wala ng isip isip, oo agad isasagot ko. Alam mo namang may iniisip pa akong iba diba? Gusto ko, when i start all over again, wala ng baggages from the past. Ayoko munang mag-isip. Pero sa totoo lang masaya ako kahit papano, kasi its good to know na may gusto pala siya saken. ;]Anyways, I gotta sleep. Baka sobrang late ko na namang magising bukas. Night Jack. Talk to you some other time. And thanks.<3>Ayan, sa diary ko yan galing. Entry ko kagabi. Ala kasi masyadong ngyari saken the past days kaya yan nalang muna pinost ko. Kasi aside from blogging, nagsusulat talaga ako sa diary ko gabi-gabi. Nakasanayan ko nalang. Cge, bibisitahin ko pa mga blogs niyo. tata!
Friday, March 03, 2006
--- I joined PINAYTALK nga pala. A new filipino forum.It's fun there. Sali kayo! And sa mga nagtanong kung anong version ng "HIGH" ang gusto ko, yung sa Speaks at Barbie Almalbis.. Wala lang. Sounds great. LSS: Crazy by Simple Plan.Last night was unbelievable. Something unexpected. I mean, who would have thought that one of the few guys i adore, i meant--- he was one of those i was crushing on, reciprocated the same feeling?..well, i didn't!I was in the comp. shop later that evening after class coz i still got work. Yes, i work in an internet cafe --- a typing job slash bores you to death. lol. So yeah, me and this cute guy, lets name him Chad. Why?..Coz he's got eyes like that of Chad Michael Murray --- expressive.Chad was there because he's got some files to print and while waiting we had this lil chitchat. Everything went on like a normal convo. How are you's and stuffs. He was throwing jokes and i was laughing like mad coz he was hella funny! Its like totally unexpected! Coz he doesn't seem capable of throwing punch lines like those! So there, i was laughing so hard and he was too, then out of nowhere like some spur of the moment thing he asked, " Pwede ba kitang dalawin dito?." I didn't answer, i just raised an eyebrow. Then he went, " your house perhaps?." That actually made me a lil bit uneasy, because i wasn't sure if he was serious or not. Well, when i looked at him he was smiling but he sounded quite serious. I really don't know. Then came silence. He was still smiling and then i was still unsure of what to answer so to break the ice i went, " Hala!, sa pagkakaalam ko wala namang sakit bahay namen ah..ba't ka dadalaw?." Eh, parang ET naman pala tong si Chad, bigla ba namang tumawa ng sobrang lakas? Naalog na ata ang utak at ang tagal huminto sa kakatawa so nakikisabay na rin ako para naman di siya magmukhang tangengot dun. We were like two crazy people laughing at an old joke. Tapos nung medyo na digest na niya lahat yung joke kong sobrang sinauna na, humirit na naman itong si Pareng Chad,"Oi, seryoso ako ah...di nga..pwede?." Hala, itong mamang to sobrang bilis! Di pa nga kami friends as in friends kc before that convo, i could say acquiantances lang kami at ngayon magpapapromote agad siya? Aba! the flash ang arrive at di ko mahabol-habol dahil ako'y hamak na mortal lamang.I was gonna answer na sana ng biglang ngsalita ulit siya, "Honestly, i really like you. Kahit noon pa, kaya lang i thought you and Steve are..." Tapos yun, pinagdikit nya yung dalawang pointing fingers[?] niya. Medyo nagulat ako dun, sa unang sinabi niya. I mean, i thought he doesn't know me. Well, we were actually introduced by Steve pero hanggang dun lang, he just smiles at me sometimes when we'd bump into each other sa corridor. Nothing like really talking and chatting with him just like last night.Natameme ang aking beauty for a second. Buti nalang wala maxadong tao dun sa may bandang working desk ko. " Ahh..ganon?..pero hinde ah, bestfriends lang kami nun. Isa pa, he's too hott to handle and sobrang hunkilicious for my taste." I laughed a bit, telling him i was joking about the last part.He was gonna answer na sana ng may umepal na naman and handed him the printed files already then he introduced me to his friend pala. Di na rin siya nakasagot, to my relief! He just said kita nalang daw kami sa school kasi nagmamadali yung kasama niya so and so...and why did i mention to my relief? Kasi even if he's good looking and fafable and i just found out he's got good sense of humor, hinde ko pa rin siya trip i promote para maging boyfriend in the future. Why? for some reasons di ko rin alam.lol. I think im a weirdo, sabi nga ng bestfriend ko. Hell, i don't really know. Mybe i am.
