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Oh yeah..im so tired...yesterday, i was thinking of changing the layout of this blog...and here it goes!so what do you think?i think i like this...much better than the other one!..more me!..i made the layout for this!...im so happy!..nweiz, i think im writing crappy stuffs in here..got to go..\m/xoxo
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Omigosh!Everyday my life just seem to be getting me nowhere. I've never felt so lost my entire life. I feel so lousy, lazy and lame. Three L's huh? I couldn't remember a day, or mybe a week in my life as boring as what i had this week. And just this morning, oh God! another bad day! I thought my head's gonna burst and i wanna scream until my voice croaks.Uhmm...Have you ever felt so non-existent? If so, i did too. In fact, i still am right now.I feel exactly the same. I feel as if i am nobody, i mean like yes, im still breathing, alive and all that but i don't know, i just feel like i'm not living at all. Same tiring routine everyday. Boring myself to death lounging on the couch for hours watching the same shows i watch everyday. Mom scolds me for not doing what i was assigned to do for the days she wasn't home for some trip. Oh! yeah...i admit... I'm one gorjuz lady that doesn't give a damn about lotsa stuffs, more so about house chores. I know i deserve some yelling and a little spanking but my mind seems to be really wandering off..Somewhere Europe i think?..lol..just kidding! and my ass just won't cooperate! it sits all day long and lay on bed for hours!Oh my! The lazy side of me has gotten so indespensable! I guess i just have to take things slowly. Yeah, i guess that's right. Step by step. Learn each of it. I think all i nedd is to uplift my spirit more. I nedd to change this badly. Hope things gets better!Wish me luck!
Monday, October 24, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Love is a wonder.
My mind has been on a riot for days already.
Things just got so f*cked up and im f*ckin' confused about lotsa stuffs.
Why can't i just choose not to love at all or to just teach my heart to love someone else?It's not that i don't wanna love him, it's just that whatever i do, when i think of it, things just got so riled up and couldn't be right at all.I couldn't just put things back together as it is before huh?Even if i want to. Yes, even if i still want to.I don't know what's happening to me.This thing, this feeling, the whole thing just came upon me few weeks ago and i think it totally left me out of control.I thought i was okey. That i was just fine and back to my old self.But as these thoughts came up to me and i started to re-assess myself, i could certainly conclude that: Hannah Mae isn't okey...not at all. Not even nearing it!urgh!Hell! It's been...ahhhh!! i don't even wanna start thinking about it again.I thought..i thought...i was already in love with Steve, but no.Yes, i love him, in a way coz he's my bestest best friend for god's sake! but whatever we do we couldn't just get pass through the boyfriend and girlfriend stage. We can't, right baby? lol, yeah buddy.I know, Steve, any moment from now you'll be reading and going through all these stuffs . I think you know these stuffs already.There was a time, really that i sorta wish we could be more than friends, but then again we can't right? coz i dumped you already! You don't wanna get dumped for the 2nd time around, right baby?LMAO!...awww..that's a joke pipz..I tell you, Stevey boi doesn't get dumped, at all...He's a great guy, cool smart ass, he's pretty good-looking?..hekhek...heck no!..Abby says, he's uber gorgeous! damn! i guess Abby's cross-eyed or something?or she's got eye defects!lol..another j/k! Anyways, so much for the Steve campaign thingy.Hay! if the heart could just choose. But it can't, too bad...I didn't even know, didn't f*ckin notice it! That the feelings i have for him, since the day we broke up until now is still here, it continues to grow i think, and i feel that i love him even more. During those days and each pssing day that i didn't have the chance to see him, hold him, talk to him. I think this heart just won't stop loving him. OMG! did i just say that?..ugh! cliche's again!Don't you think he's one lucky bastard? hell, yeah!Well, i guess im gonna get stucked up with these feelings and im not gonna get away with it pretty soon.Loving someone you can't have him share it with or reciprocated is damn hard! I just wish i could continue not thinking about this for a while... and for little mercies be tough.Geez! Love's complications! The circumstances and stuffs.Couldn't even start to get those things in this pretty head of mine.Oh love! cut me some slack!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I read his letters for me...again. Just few seconds before typing this down here i did...Yeah, those were love letters. Mostly professions of his love and his promises for me. The only witness during those nights i cry myself to sleep reading it aal over again and got it all wet... pretty pathetic of me right? But no, I wasn't re-reading it to torment and drown myself on my own misery, reliving those days that we were together and stuffs. Yes, i think of it...most of the time i may say but through it, i gained strength to move on. It was my way to get over it. That maybe, just maybe each night that i read it i could learn to accept things slowly, things that didn't turn out best when all i could read of were good things. That things might not have turned out right for the two of us, but when we were together, we had great and happy memories that ill cherish and treasure forever.I don't know what got me into typing this... All i know is that i didn't get those letters wet this time. I didn't even shed a tear. I know i've moved on, not yet fully i admit but ive gone far already. I know, i haven't fully recovered from our past because for the past 8 months or so, i haven't had another relationship. Now, i know and understand why... Why i couldn't love another guy fully, It's because deep in me, i know, i still wish for us to be together again--- as he promised. And i know, im still holding onto that promise because we haven't ended things rightly, i mean the closure thing. Yeah, thats the term...we parted ways without the proper closure... Man, this feels weird, im turning mushy and stuffs..i think i needed a shrink...oh! but damn right!..i still love him!...shit!...where are all those damn tissues when you need them!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Im so sad right now. Steve's leaving for Hongkong and then to Cali for good. Yeah, my handsome-conceited-egocentric bestfriend is gonna leave me.We had this talk knina, about some stuffs. I can't stop laughing this morning.He was talking like a dumb ass, trying hard to speak the cebuano dialect. "Aww...Steve--yyy....You're my bestest best friend but you really suck speaking bisaya so, don't try to hard baby ayt?"..and he was like "aww..baby that hurts.."he was holding his chest and playing hurt..."you look so cute!" i couldnt help but saythat loudly...His eyes twinkled at ang gunggong feel na feel nmn! he smiled broadly and said.."really?..what about that twerp dimwit your crushing on?..is he cuter than i am?"i laughed really hard and said " You conceited oaf!...how could u compare urself to him when he's a god and you look like his slave?" "i do?"..he asked wide-eyed.."hmm...not really...don' worry, you're just a lesser god" i ended it with a laugh...he just rolled his eyes.."baby, how could u say that when im the one from Greece and he's that next door american skater?""You're not from Greece dumdum...you're half-greek but u ddnt grew up there right?""Its the same thing.."" No, its not".."It is"..yun..pra kmeng mga bata..wlang gustong sumuko..."hay!..kafoy nimo oist...kabalo jud na xa nga ikaduhang crush ra to nko c Alex..and u know ur the first!..o!..ayaw kakilig!..basig feel ra sad kaau nimo"...at ang gago nmn!, he was grinning from ear to ear!hay!...it was the best day i ever had...although we were talking about nonsense stuffs. It was the best!Im gonna miss you man! No one's gonna give me the best massage when my body aches.o!..wag mxadong feeling pag mabasa mo to ha?..hehehe...but really, i really do hope you'll come back...the gang's gonna miss you...wala na kmeng aasarin...tsk..tsk..kainis ka!...huhuhuhu..ewan...
